


Never Been Hurt Before

by cursym



Category: The Good Wife (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-23
Updated: 2015-07-23
Packaged: 2018-04-10 20:17:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4406102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cursym/pseuds/cursym
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alicia wants Kalinda. Kalinda doesn't know what she wants.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Another old story I've found and never posted here.

Alicia couldn't pinpoint when it all started, well, it started with the kiss, that much was obvious, but the roots were there long before, and now she couldn't remember a time when she didn't want Kalinda.

That kiss, yes, the one that changed everything. It surprised her at first, but thinking about it afterward it made all the sense in the world; without even knowing it, Kalinda had captured her heart. Too bad her heart didn’t bother telling her that, instead waiting for the opportunity to take over and leave both her and Kalinda in total shock.

She thought about it often, wondering if she could have done anything differently; It had been a nice evening, the weekend was just around the corner, and she had neither plans nor obligations for the upcoming days, so when Kalinda suggested they go celebrate some half-invented occasion at their bar, she didn't hesitate before saying yes.

Lucky them, it was 1+1 night at the bar, and before she could even blink Kalinda had order 4 shots each, and then encouraged her to drink some more. She probably should have said no, but the music was nice, and the company was fun, and she felt freer than she felt for a really really long time, so she just kept on drinking.

Even then, she wasn't that drunk that she didn't know what she was doing, but drunk enough that she just didn't care. And there was Kalinda, looking at her, like she the only thing in the world that matters, laughing and smiling and acting so unKalinda-like (or at least so unlike how she acts around everyone else) it was endearing.

So when Kalinda hold her arm to steady her, she couldn't help herself and she just leaned in and kissed her. Kalinda reciprocated immediately, like she knew it was coming (Alicia always suspected that she could read her mind). It was sweet and soft and way too short for Alicia's liking.

And when it was over, she looked at Kalinda and saw her there, in the dim light of the bar, her eyes still closed, like she is trying to memorize the moment. But soon she opened her eyes, smiled her famous smirk and told Alicia maybe it was time to call it a night and that she is going to get them a cab.

She spent half the night awake trying to figure out why she did it. Going between dismissing it as a drunken whim, to calling it as what it was: she was falling for Kalinda. In the end, her tiredness and the alcohol won, and she fall to a dreamless sleep.

She woke up with a hangover, not surprising consider the amount of alcohol she consumed. But she had more pressing matters to attend to, she couldn't get that kiss out of her head, and she had to know what it meant. The fact that it bothered her so much was an answer in itself, only she didn't see it at the time.

So she spent the better part of her weekend contemplating the situation. Running scenarios in her mind, trying to think of all the possible ways it could go. Finally realizing that indeed, she wants Kalinda. That realization came as a shock to her, sending her to her liquor's cabinet, to the clarity of the booze induced mind.

The questions only seemed to multiply, having answered the first one "what did this kiss mean?". She now had to face a million other, "what does **that** mean?", "what should I do?", "does Kalinda feel the same way?", and so on and so on. It was like the questions' monster, you answer one only to face two in its place.

 She even made a list, pros and cons of being with Kalinda, or at least started to make one before she stopped to think what she was doing. That made her laugh, Was she really making a list about being with Kalinda? Who's to say Kalinda even wants to be with her?

The conclusion of this alcohol and lists filled weekend though was much more decisive than she was. She kissed Kalinda, and it wasn't because she was drunk but rather because she has some deeper feelings for her, feelings which she wants to explore.

She came to the office Monday morning full of intention to talk to Kalinda as soon as she can, to tell her that she doesn't regret it, and that she wishes they could see where this was going, turned out Kalinda had other thoughts.     

A few minutes after she entered her office, Kalinda walked through the door, Alicia turned to her, smiling, happy to see her, until she saw the look on Kalinda's face. Her fears were proven justified as Kalinda opened her mouth; it wasn't so much what she said, but how she said it.

"We need to talk", in a stern and serious voice, not a hint of the playfulness or tease that usually accompany her talks with Alicia.

"Yes, I…" she tried to say, but Kalinda cut her short.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have let that happen". She told her, and all Alicia could think of was "don't, don't be sorry, I'm not", but all she said was: "your… sorry?".

Kalinda nodded: "Yes".

"Bu... but I'm… you didn't do anything, I'm the one th…"

Alicia is again cut short by Kalinda: "We've got carried away, I ordered too many drinks, and we both got drunk".

And Alicia wanted to scream: "So what, so fucking what? I was drunk and yet it was the clearest decision I've made over the last few months". But instead she just nodded.

"Look, it was a mistake, but it shouldn't affect our friendship", Kalinda was trying for a smile but getting only a mild crooked grin from Alicia.

"Yes. No harm no foul", was all she said when what she thought was: "No, it was not a mistake, it was the best thing that I did in the last 3 years. And you felt it too, I saw it on your face".

"Good", Kalinda looked remorseful, but nevertheless determined.

"Now, I need to get some things done before I go to court. So if you excuse me", Alicia couldn't control the cold tone that came out of her, but it was all she could do not to cry right there in front of Kalinda (and the whole firm, thanks to the giant glass walls). 

If Kalinda was hurt, she didn’t let it show: "Of course, I'll see you later?".

"Yeah, sure", Alicia managed a smile.

The moment Kalinda was out of sight Alicia went straight to the restroom, locked herself in a cell, and cried her heart out. She knew it made little sense, crying over something that never was, but the heart pays little mind to sense, and her heart was aching like it was stabbed by a blazing knife.

When she finally got out, she washed her face and reapplied her makeup, telling herself that no matter what, she won't let that hurt their friendship, Kalinda's too important for her to do that. And besides, Kalinda's friendship is all she has, and that is better than not having Kalinda in her life at all.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

Things settled back to normal. They never spoke about the kiss again, as if it never happened. Only Alicia knew it did, and she could not get it off her mind, she tried to act as usual, but it was hard.

It was hard to see Kalinda every day, to work with her shoulder to shoulder, to go out for drinks and all the while have this image burned in her head. But it would be harder to distant herself from Kalinda, and that she knew from experience. 

so she comes to the office every morning, smiles at Kalinda, tries to hide her feelings, to keep a straight face when Kalinda's hand accidently brushes her arm, to not be so obvious when she stares at her from the other side of the conference room.

Sometimes she thinks she's successful at this, that no one, not even Kalinda (especially not Kalinda) notices her glances, or her day dreams or how her breath is taken away just a little bit every time Kalinda enters a room. Other times she convinced that Kalinda just knows; when she smirks at her in the middle of a stuff meeting, having caught her stare. When she locks eyes with her, from half a firm away, through all the glass and over the heads of people, in the middle of a particularly delicious daydream, as if she can feel she is thinking about her. And on rare days she thinks that Kalinda shares her feelings, when **she** is the one to catch Kalinda stare, when she looks into her eyes and sees something indistinct there, affection maybe, or even longing? But it is so swift she can't really decipher it. So she dismisses it as nothing of matters, just her mind playing tricks on her. Because, if Kalinda really does feel like this, why did she tell her to forget … why doesn't she do anything?    

They go out almost every week, and they made it a custom to go to a new place once in a while (it's almost like they're dating, only it isn’t). Alicia enjoys these time, when she has Kalinda all to herself, she can talk about whatever it is that bothers her and Kalinda will listen, focus solely on her. She isn't talking about herself, of course, but she makes Alicia laugh; with her observations and her taunts, and she is so stunningly beautiful, it makes Alicia want to cry.

And then there are the times when someone tries to hit on Kalinda (and they are much too frequent to Alicia's liking). Someone would approach them, ignoring the daggers in Alicia's eyes and ask Kalinda whether she likes him to buy her a drink, or maybe meet him sometimes.  Kalinda doesn't deserts her, never, even when Alicia encourages her to do so ("don't be stupid, I'm here with you", she always scolds her with a smile), she fends them gently (or not) and tends back to Alicia. Even so, Alicia can't help but wonder if Kalinda wouldn't rather be with them. If she only stays out of politeness, or some sort of obligation.

She tries not to be too disappointed on the nights kalinda refuses her offers for drinks, having other plans. Tries not to think what those other plans might be, and with whom Kalinda's going to spend the night.  (Tries not to think about all the other possibilities Kalinda has, about the cute guy that approached her last night) 

She knows she should not be jealous, she has no right to be; it is not as if Kalinda is hers. She hates herself for being like this, for not being able being truly happy for Kalinda, like a real friend should, as Kalinda is for her. She knows it's unfair, unfair to her, unfair to Kalinda, and she knows she got to stop it. She got to stop acting like a teenager with a crash, and she has to get out of fantasyland.

They are sitting on their regular bar, neither of them felt like going to a new place tonight (Alicia wants the familiarity, she doesn't know what Kalinda's motives are, she never knows. Even now, after so much time, there so much she doesn't know about her best friend, but that just makes her more alluring).

Kalinda is scanning the bar, as always, Alicia often wanders whether she can lay aside her investigator's mode for a moment or she just views the world as a puzzle she has to solve continuously.

While Kalinda is busy mapping every corner of her surrounding, Alicia's signaling the bartender for two shots of tequila. As soon as the shots arrive Kalinda hands her one and raises a brow, if it is in challenge or appreciation, Alicia can't be sure. But she takes the shot glass off Kalinda's hand and downs the drink in one gulp, giving Kalinda her own arched eyebrow look. Kalinda just laugh and mimics her actions: "you're getting good at this; I remember times when you couldn’t take a shot without looking like you're going to puke afterwards".

"Well, you know what they say, practice makes perfect", she joins Kalinda's laugh.

"Indeed", she nods, "so, how was your day?"

"fine", Alicia brushes her hair behind her ear, "I… umm, met someone today", when Kalinda doesn't respond she continues, "he asked me out" , that got Kalinda's attention, and Alicia can't help but hope it's because Kalinda is just a little bit jealous , she's searches for  the bartender now, her eyes are everywhere but on Alicia when she finishes with: "I told him yes, we have a date tomorrow night".

Kalinda stops her search at that and says neutrally "Good, it's good for you, you need to date, to leave the divorce behind you".  So no luck with the jealousy bit here. Kalinda grabs her jacket, starts to put it on.

"Going somewhere?", Alicia asks.

"Yeah, I'm sorry, I've just remembered that I have to finish something in the office", and she leaves in a hurry.

"Weird", Alicia thinks, but she pays the bill and turns to leave herself.

 

Two days later Alicia is busy with trial preparations when Kalinda knocks slightly on her door to announce her present and lets herself in.

"Hi", she says.

"Hey"

"Sorry I bailed out on you the other night.", she looks down and Alicia can almost believe she's embarrassed.

"It's ok, I was tired anyway", she assures her.

"So, how was the big date?", she asks with a big smile on her face, which makes Alicia thinks that the jealousy route definitely didn't work, still it doesn't stop her from trying yet again to fish some response from Kalinda.

"It was great actually, I had lots of fun. You were right, I do need to start over. We meet again tomorrow", she finishes and looks intently at Kalinda, not to miss any slight reaction.

But Kalinda doesn't stir "And what's the lucky guy's name?"

"Tom, he's a hotel's manager"

"Hmm".

Alicia eyes her suspiciously "What that supposed to mean?".

"Nothing, anyway, here are the files you needed on the Shepherd case, and I'm on my way to question a potential witness in the Gordon case", she puts the files on Alicia's desk and gets up to leave.

But Alicia stops her just before she's out of the office "Kalinda?"

She turns. "Don't go out and search on him", Alicia warns.

"Wouldn't even dream about it", and she says it in such tone that Alicia is sure that it is exactly what she is going to do.

 

Things are going well with Tom, he is kind and smart and makes her laugh, and he can even make her forget Kalinda for a while (maybe forget is a little strong, more like push her to the back of her mind). They have been dating for two and a half months and he even met Owen (who, of course, didn't like him, but she is used to that by now). They've been talking about meeting the kids, but Alicia isn't ready for this kind of commitment yet, and he didn't push, which made Alicia like him even more. But here lies the problem, she only just likes him, she doesn't love him, her heart is still in the possession of someone else, someone who clearly doesn't want it.

She and Kalinda maintain their weekly night out, they talk about Tom freely, even though it feels weird, but she needs someone to process with. Kalinda doesn't like him either, though she never gives a reason, but she's happy that he treats her well. (but when she met him she first  threatened that if he ever causes the cancelation of their drinking nights she'll hit him with her baseball bat, and if he ever hurts Alicia she will kill him. She looked so dead serious saying it that Alicia really Believed she will, even though she laughed at the end of it, shook Tom's hand and added a polite "nice to meet you").

Owen is in her office now, sprawl on the couch, he said he missed his big sis so he had to stop by, and now he's blabbering about something and she can't possibly work.

"Owen!" , she shouts.

"Ow, What? I'm right here you know." He rubs his ear.

"I need to work", she explains.

"Work away, I don't mind", He does a hand gesture to let her know she may continue.

She rolls her eyes and intends to answer him when her phone rings, she looks on the caller id, sees it's Tom and puts it back aside.

"Aren't you gonna answer it?", he asks.

"Obviously not, since I just put it down".

"Who was it?", he pries.

"It was just Tom, I'll call him latter", she learned long ago that sometimes it's best to just give Owen answers or he'll just keep going and she'll never see the end of it.

"oooww, troubles in paradise", he mocks.

She about to kick him out (or just kick him) when Kalinda shows on her doorstep, "Oh, Kalinda, hi, meet my brother Owen", her demeanor changes immediately and she can see Owen's look alternates between her and Kalinda.

Kalinda turn to him, "Hey" and then back to Alicia "I need to see you, as soon as possible", she again addresses Owen, "It was nice meeting you, we should do this again sometime" and she's gone.

Owen giggles, "Now, this one I like".

"Yeah", Alicia agrees.

Owen stops and looks at her and then at the door where Kalinda stood mere seconds ago "Oh, big sister, you are so smitten".

"I know", Alicia sighs exhaustedly.

Owen looks up at her "Wait, what? I thought you'd deny it, being so happy with what's his name".

Alicia smacks him, "his name is Tom and you are not helping. Is it that obvious?".

"Oh, no, no", Owen snorts, "Only if you have eyes".

"Still not helping", and she smacks him again.

"Ow, I don't think it's fair that you let your aggression out on me", he brings his arms up in attempt to defend himself. "Why aren't you doing something about it? And why are you still with what's his name".

Another smack. " I've tried, she isn't interested ".

"Oh, I don't know about that, sis, she seemed like she got it pretty hard herself".

Alicia can't deal with this now, and she promised Kalinda she'll be right over. "Whatever, we kissed and she told me to forget it, that's how hard she got it. now I have to go, don't mess up my office, and please don't be here when I come back, I really need to work. I'll call you".

Owen rubs his head because all the smacks Alicia gave him, but he waves his hand and says "love you sis, talk to her!".

Alicia is seriously contemplating the idea of going back and hit him again but decides it doesn't worth the effort and heads to Kalinda's.

 

If nothing else, at least the talk with Owen made her realize that she can't stay with Tom, it made her a little sad, but she knew it was the best for both of them, so she did it.

Now she's on her way to Kalinda's place, she's never been there before, but even though it wasn't the most meaningful relationship in her life, it still lasted almost three months and it is the first time she officially dated someone since Peter, so now that it's over she needs ice-cream and booze and her best friend.

She knocks on the door and hears muffled sounds and laughs from behind the door. That makes her hesitates, it is stupid - it's Friday night, Kalinda must have better things to do than to console her. She turns to leave but just then the door opens and kalinda's standing there, wearing shorts and tank top and Alicia's heart skip a beat.

"Alicia?", she asks, concerned "is everything ok?"

"Yean, umm, I… I just…I broke up with Tom" Alicia stutters.

From within the apartment comes a sound "Kalinda?", it's a woman's voice, and the owner of that voice soon follows, it's a gorgeous brunette, wearing almost nothing and Alicia needn't to be genius to figure out what's going on.

The brunette reaches them now, wraps her arms around Kalinda from behind and puts her head on her shoulder  (Alicia wants to rip her apart for touching **_her_** Kalinda in ways she can just dream of, or maybe have the ground swallow her on the spot, in any case she needs to not be here, now, yesterday).      

Then she opens her mouth and asks: "What's going on, are you coming back to bed?" and now Alicia can feel the tears start swelling in her eyes even when Kalinda angrily pulls out from the other woman's embrace and tells her in a voice cold as ice: "No, go back inside". But it's too late cause Alicia is already on her way to the stairs (she doesn't want to wait for the elevator).

"Alicia, wait!", Kalinda calls and goes after her.

"No, I… I should have called, I...I'll just go", she blurts out and runs away.

She's in her car crying, she doesn't even knows why, it not like she thought Kalinda doesn't sleep with anyone (though she preferred not to think about it at all) and she suspected that Kalinda was gay for a long while, it's just, actually seeing it is an entirely different thong.  Besides, if she is with a woman, why not her?

But she cut her cry short and wipes her face. Scratch that ice cream, what she needs now is just booze, and lots of it.

She arrives at her usual bar (she was on automatic, she didn't even think where she was going) and orders double shot of tequila but before she gets her order she hears a familiar voice behind her.

"Thought I'll find you here". (Kalinda, of course. Maybe the usual bar wasn't the smartest choice)

"Go away" she pleads, she can't deal with Kalinda, not now, not when the memory is so vivid, not without letting all out.

"Alicia", Kalinda says softly, "what's wrong?"

(Alicia wants to scream: "What's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong is that I'm totally in love with you, what's wrong is that you doesn't even give a damn", instead):

"Is she your girlfriend?"

"She's nobody", Kalinda tries to get closer to her, to put her hand on her back, but Alicia flinches.

"Oh, so you sleep with anybody then?" she asks spitefully and she knows that's not fair, and that Kalinda didn't do anything wrong and doesn't deserve it and she is sorry as soon as the words leave her mouth and she can see the hurt look on Kalinda's face, but that doesn't stop her from saying them.

Kalinda winces and Kalinda never winces, she looks straight at Alicia and Alicia feels she can see through to her soul.

"I'm sorry", she says immediately, "I shouldn't have…", but Kalinda cuts her off, "I don't get it Alicia, what is it that you want from me?"

And there is only one answer to that question, Alicia fidgets and looks down "You", she whispers, "I want you".

 


	3. Chapter 3

"I don't get it, Alicia, what is it that you want from me?"

And there is only one answer to that question, Alicia fidgets and looks down "You", she whispers, "I want you".

There is a moment silence and when Alicia gathers up the courage to look up at Kalinda she looks like a deer caught in the headlights. She is searching for an escape route and when none is found, she points at Alicia "You? Want me?" and now she points at herself, as if she can't comprehend the idea with only words and needs to solidify it.  

Alicia almost takes pity on her, she looks so lost, she almost tells her that she didn't mean it, that she's hurt and drunk and shouldn't be taken seriously, almost. But she is tired of the hiding and pretending and she can't go on like this, she can't. So instead, she just nods quietly.

Kalinda begins to stutter "I… Alicia, do you…", but before she has a chance to finish, or actually even to start, Alicia's phone starts to beep and she holds it up and laughs bitterly, "Saved by the bell. It's Grace, she needs me to come and get her", she sees something flickers in Kalinda's eyes, but she's not quite sure what it is, maybe relief. There is no reason for her to stay, and she might as well save Kalinda the burden of answering. "I gotta go, see you Monday", polite as ever, she can't just storm away like she would've wanted.

Kalinda doesn't make the slightest gesture to stop her, so she leaves her to stand there, as miserable as she has ever been. Kalinda stays like this and Alicia is long gone when she is finally out of her trance, she doesn't hear her when she says barely audible "I want you too".

 

Alicia spent the weekend alternating between feeling stupid for what she said to feeling strangely calm, now that all is out in the open. A part of her regretted the decision to leave before Kalinda had a chance to speak, and another thought it was for the best, and judging by her look nothing kalinda would've said could make her feel better.

Her heart hoped that kalinda would show up on her doorstep like in the movies. The rational part of her, her lawyer's mind knew that she wouldn't. That even before her breakdown on Friday it was a long shot, that Kalinda wasn't interested in her in the first place, let alone now, she didn't see her like this, only as a friend.

 She could even understand her, she remembered the girl from Kalinda's apartment, remembered all the guys, it wasn't a difficult choice to make, it wasn't a fair battle, she against all those young and beautiful people. It didn't make the pang in her heart hurt any less.

On Monday, the lack of sleep is showing on her face, even through her layer of make-up. She is ready to drown herself in work and the usual week chaos to keep her thoughts from wondering. Unfortunately, the object she wishes to keep out of her mind is an integral part of the week's schedule, starting with the stuff meeting she is heading to.

 

She fears the moment she'll have to face Kalinda. She pictures Kalinda laughing at Alicia falling for her, thinking it could be, worse, pitying her, because if there is something Alicia learned to hate during the last couple of years is people taking pity of her, it'll be worse coming from Kalinda.

So she refuses to make eye contact at the meeting, sitting as far from Kalinda as she can, but she can still feel her eyes bore into her, searching for hers, trying to convey a message, She can feel Kalinda's stare like it is fire burning into her. She ignores her, at least she tries to, in the end though, she sneaks a glance but of course, Kalinda is looking at her and their eyes lock for a second before she breaks the stare.

When the meeting is over, Alicia hurries to the safety of her office, she closes the door behind her, and takes a deep breath. It was not supposed to happen like this, she shouldn't have found herself at this situation, Kalinda was never meant to find out, and she could have go on and live her life in denial.

Now though, she is here, Kalinda does know, and her life seems to be upside down. She lets out a big sigh and goes to sit at her desk. The moment she sits down Kalinda enters the office and waves at her "Hi", she says softly.

"Hey", she still doesn't meet Kalinda's eyes.

"You look tired", and she sounds worried, and a little tired herself. But Alicia can't handle this now, she can't do this with Kalinda, she can't pretend that everything between them is normal. She knows that she promised herself that she wouldn't let her feelings come between them, but that was before. Now, she can't see any other option but to push Kalinda out of her life, again, like she did before, and so so different.

"No, Kalinda, don't", she says and she can see her flinches, and she knows why. Kalinda remembers _that_ talk, exactly as she does, and the similarity of the words is striking, even if Alicia didn't mean it. Kalinda is ready for the blow, and sure enough, it comes.

"I can't be friend with you, I'm sorry", Alicia struggles to keep her voice steady, "I know it's not fair, but I just can't", her voice breaks a little, "I wish I could, I hope someday I will, but right now…", she lets the end of the sentence to hang in the air.

"Alicia, I…", and Kalinda still seems lost, just like she did Friday night.

Alicia raises her hand "No, just…, Don't, it's not enough for me, I can't be just your friend, I want more…", she fights her tears by now, but she hopes it doesn't show. "It's all or nothing for me now", she turns so she doesn't have to face Kalinda. "Since I can't have all, I'll take nothing", and now there are tears spilling on her cheeks, silent tears Kalinda can't see.

She can feel Kalinda approaching her, and she backs away, without turning around. No one says anything and all she can hear is Kalinda's breath and her own heart beating. It seems Kalinda doesn't want to leave, but she doesn't speak either, and Alicia exhausted all her energy and is in no condition to say anything, let alone to tell her to leave, so they stay in this limbo for quite some time. In the end though, she hears the door opens and then closes and she know that she is alone.

 

 

The days go by slowly; she invests herself in her cases and in her children and keeps busy. To Kalinda's credit, she respects Alicia's request and she hardly sees her, since it happens with no trouble on her part she suspects Kalinda does put an effort  to make sure she sees her as little as possible. It only makes her feel worse.

She knows she's a masochist, yet some days she tries to track down Kalinda, to catch a glimpse of her in the office, or in one of the conferences rooms. She's rarely successful, Kalinda is doing a pretty good job avoiding her, but when she does, she can't help but notice the sadness in her eyes and she can't help but wonder if she made the right call.

There are days she just wants to go to her and tell her to forget everything and that they should be friends again, she misses her badly. She knows, however, that life isn't that simple, that you can't just forget on commend. And she hopes that in the end the distance will be good for her, because right now it isn't the case. The alternative, though, doesn't seem appealing as well.

 

It's been more than a month since she last talked with Kalinda, even on work related stuff she's been communicating with her through messengers or notes. It doesn't seem to do any good, and she wonders if time does heal all the wounds, and if so, how much time will it take.

One day, Kalinda rushes through the corridor by her office as fast as can, it doesn’t surprise Alicia since it's been her usual routine, however she is surprised when Kalinda turns back on her heels and enters her office.

"It doesn’t work", she blurts.

Alicia is a little taken aback that Kalinda decided to talk with her suddenly, without any apparent reason, after months of avoidance, and Kalinda's words don't make any sense.

"What doesn't work?", she asks.

Kalinda sighs and slumps on a chair "You, you were supposed to be happy".

"In the risk of repeating myself, what?", Alicia feels like she is taking part in a conversation that started without her.

Kalinda looks directly at her "What do you see in me?"

Alicia is getting angry, "Are you here to make fun of me?"

Kalinda winces "You just don't get it", and she looks like she just realized something, "you think I don't want you, don't you?"

"You don't" Alicia says as a matter of fact, "You made that pretty clear".

Kalinda laugh bitterly "You know what I hate?", she doesn't let Alicia answer "All these glass walls, it's the only reason I didn't just kissed you _that_ day".

Alicia can't believe what she is hearing, all those months when she thought Kalinda is oblivious to her, that she is alone in her feelings, and after, when she thought how ridiculous she must seen to Kalinda, and now this…

"Then why? Why didn't you say anything?", she is torn between anger and hope.

"At first I thought you were merely drunk and that you'll regret that kiss the next morning, I didn't want to lose you so I just wrote it off and hoped we can forget it" she starts to explain, "It didn't even crossed my mind that it was more than a drunken mistake for you".

Alicia is confused, it still doesn't make any sense "and that Friday night, at the bar, and all this time?", she can't believe Kalinda let her feel this way, when all she had to do was say a few words.

"You took me by surprise, and then Grace called, and you were gone and I realized just how wrong I am for you. I hoped you'd come to your senses by Monday and we wouldn't have to talk about it again", she looks so small suddenly, almost vulnerable.

"My senses?", she really can't track Kalinda's train of thoughts, she can't understand her way of thinking.

"If you'd have any survival instinct you would have. You didn't though, but you left me a way out, I figured I could do as you said, Just stay away from you. I was to blame, and you could be happy with someone else, someone who deserves you. It didn't work, though", she gestures around, "So now, this".

Alicia is really furious now, "you are kidding, right? What are you doing here?"

Kalinda takes a deep breath, "Trying to make you see clearly".

"Oh, I don't think I'm the one who has trouble in that aspect", she spits.

"You do, you don't see how utterly wrong I am for you".

"Look, I don't need excuses, and I certainly don't need you to tell me what's right for me", she gets up and starts to pace.

"I'm not making excuses, it was so hard to stay away…" Alicia cuts her off "Then why, why not give it a shot? Why come here at all?", she is losing her patience.

"I'll hurt you, I don't know how to do relationship, I just…", Kalinda tries to explain but is left without words.

"Just what?", Alicia demands, she's done being passive, she is going to get her answers, and she is going to get them now.

Kalinda looks defeated, "just not what you need".

"You know, I'm tired of people telling me what I need and what I don't, what I should and shouldn't do, trying to shield me from the world, I'm not some precious little thing, I'm not gonna break", she sits down as she says it, too exhausted to keep standing.

"You are precious" Kalinda whispers that, and as angry as she is that this is what Kalinda picked up from all she had to say, she can't help but smile when she hears her say it.

"You missed the point", she tells her.

"No, I didn't, the point is I'll hurt you", she keeps giving reasons why this is a bad idea, but she sounds less and less convinced herself.

"You are hurting me now", Alicia points out.

That seems to get to Kalinda "I don't want to", and her eyes shine with unshed tears.

Alicia decides that a change of tactic is in order, instead of throwing out accusations she tries to speak to Kalinda's heart. "I'm not asking you to be someone you're not, I'm not asking you for promises you can't keep, I'm only asking that you'll give it a chance. I don't want forever, we can start with tomorrow ", she smiles encouragingly at Kalinda.

Kalinda doesn't react, but Alicia takes it as a good sign, as least she doesn't argue anymore, so she continues, "It's a risk, but all good things are, you can't expect to gain something if you are not willing to lose something first". Kalinda, even in her fragile state raises a brow at that, Alicia laugh briefly, "Yeah, it's a cliché , I know, doesn't make it any less true".

She's now approaching Kalinda "besides, I don't think we get anything left to lose, no?", she puts her hand on Kalinda's shoulder and squeezes.

Kalinda puts her own hand on Alicia's, takes it and looks at her fingers,  "I do hate all this glass", she says.

 

 

 

 


End file.
